Musings on men, or How I Sabotage My Attempts to Settle Down.

So I realise that since I haven't been posting much, there's much that I haven't updated y'all on. For a start, there I go mentioning my first date in a while, and then when I read back down only a couple of postings, I was talking about CIB and how well it was going with him.

Ha! Well isn't that just me all over. CIB didn't work out, like G or SB, not because of him as such, but mainly because of me. I am far too embarrassed to actually list here most of the reasons why I eventually blew cold on that relationship, pathetically superficial as they were. Suffice it it say though, that I keep claiming I want to find a man and settle down and do all the normal stuff that people of my age do (and are doing viz. my last post on all my friends having babies); but then I seem to be completely incapable of committing myself to dating one guy or getting in any way serious about anyone in the long term.

OK, so here it is: the main reason why CIB had to take a hike was because he was really really overly keen on me, to the point of being all touch-feely, wanting to see me all the time even though I was busy, and wanting to constantly kiss in public. I couldn't stand it. Is that the sign of a true commitment-phobe or what??

Perhaps this isn't as much of an issue as I'm making it out to be. But I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm searching for a perfection that simply doesn't exist in the real world of relationships, and unless I'm ready to accept imperfection (as of course I would expect from any future partner regarding me, since I'm far from perfect in oh so many ways) I'm never going to get past those first few heady dates where you still don't know enough about the other and so can blissfully ignore potential incompatibilities/annoying traits. I guess my frustrations lie in my belief that there has to be someone out there, like my ex but without the shit bits, who could be my soulmate. But finding him is proving bloody difficult. And to top it all off, I haven't really got time to be thinking about dating or even having any sense of a social life for the next year at least. I'd like a nice sensible, reliable chap to fall into my lap, not create a massive upheaval of my life, and be willing to put up with all my vagaries.

OK, but I need to be clear on this whole perfection thing. Perhaps that makes me sound like I'm out there looking for Superman. That's not the case at all. But I do have a certain tick-list of things that my soulmate will have; part of the problem lies therein, since my tick-list possibly contains characteristics that are not amenable to a long-term, settled relationship.

So with that in mind, this new date on the horizon (now postponed to next weekend due to incompatible schedules) seems to have lots of the qualities that I feel would be important for sharing a satisfying and stable relationship. Like being easy-going, a hard worker, protective, patient, loyal. Reliable. Steadfast. Secure. But those very same qualities are the complete opposite of what I am usually attracted to, even though they are the qualities I feel to be important. It doesn't make sense, I know. I sometimes think it's like I deliberately choose to be attracted to people who I know will not make suitable long-term prospects. I sabotage myself at first base. So the date with E is bound to be interesting, if from nothing more than a clinical point of view. Will he really be the complete opposite of what I usually go for, and if so, will we even make it to the end of the first date in one piece??